


Repair me, make me whole again

by nicodiver



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Blood, Blood Drinking, Blood and Violence, Brutal Murder, Cannibalism, Child Murder, Death, Ghouls, Gore, Hand Jobs, Heartache, Heartbreaking, HideKen - Freeform, I Made Myself Cry, Interspecies Romance, KenHide, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Metaphors, Romance, Saving Each Other, Sexual Content, Tragic Romance, Violence, anime verse, sappy words, tokyo ghoul - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 12:43:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2348837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicodiver/pseuds/nicodiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle with Jason, Kaneki is broken down both mentally and psychically. He barely recognize himself anymore. Will someone be able to help him find himself again or will he be lost to the awakened ghoul inside him?</p><p>"I'm broken, broken in this world<br/>As I'm broken, I stop breathing<br/>I can't untie, can't untie anymore<br/>Even reality freezes<br/>Breakable, unbreakable, collapseable, uncollapseable<br/>I find you"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Repair me, make me whole again

**Meat, you need meat, you have to eat, meat, meat, blood, blood, eat. EAT! EAT! EAT! HUNGRY!**

The voice roared louder and louder in his head where he stumbled along the roadside. Cars whizzed past at high-speed, leaving strong wind waves behind them, the force of the wind made him fall again and again down on the asphalt. His legs were scraped bloody and filled with dirt from the street but the hurt tissue healed just as quickly as it had got hurt. His regeneration ability had only gotten better during the torture he had experienced, for each punch, kick and pull the regeneration powers had only become stronger and faster at healing his body. A driver panic braked when a white-haired teenager suddenly jumped out on the way and onto the car's roof. He stared through the glass, the people inside the glass was his _prey,_ his food and nothing could resist his hunger. He gave the glass a harsh punch with his fist, the hit formed a large crack in the shape of a lightning bolt over the glass' brittle surface.

He laughed when he saw the panic in the eyes of the humans inside and hit the glass again, this time, the glass shattered into a thousand pieces, and he threw himself inside the car and pounced the driver, bit him hard on the neck, the blood spurted out into his mouth. The taste was divine; rich and filled with iron. He slurped happily a second before he took a big bite of the man's neck and tore away a layer of skin. He swallowed hungrily and continued to devour the man's neck while the man's family screamed and cried in panic, trying desperately to get out of the car but the event that was going on before them had paralyzed them completely.

The ghoul licked his lips when the hunger quieted down a little in his stomach. He laughed suddenly, loved the feeling of the wild ghoul within him that finally had broken itself out of its shackles. Why hadn't he released it earlier? He would never know. He turned his black-red eye to the two children and the mother who sat petrified with fear in the back seat. He rolled his tongue over his lips, and the voice inside his mind roared once more for food and blood. The hunger was never really quenched, it was always there, lying in wait with gaping jaws, waiting for food. He ate the children in a few minutes of sheer bliss, he had never experienced such pure happiness before. His whole life had depended on taking all the pain to make other people happy, but this was the end of it. The end. Over. Gone. Never again would he take the pain for anyone other than himself. His life was all about _him_ now, not about anyone else. Only him. Kaneki Ken.

He left the mother behind, she was sitting in the backseat, her face as white as snow. He crawled on all fours out of the car's smashed front window, staring hungrily at the cars that were lined up behind the car he had destroyed. The blue sirens from an emerging police car howled loudly in the Tokyo night. He jumped up on the roof of a car in front of him and jumped from car to car to get into town where more of his prey waited. He chuckled happily and hurried through the night, he was _death_ , the kind of death that would liberate people from their misery. He was death with white hair instead of a white steed, and he would deliver them all. Life after life would be extinguished after his rescue, no one else would be alive. Just him.

Kaneki slowly opened his eyes, the sunlight stabbed his eyes angrily, and he protected himself quickly by shadowing his face with the help of one of his arms. The sudden smell of dried blood and rotten flesh was nauseating, when the sun hid behind some clouds, he opened his eyes again and looked around. He laid on his stomach in a remote alley, cars roared on a nearby road a few blocks away. He didn't remember anything from the night before, what had happened? How had he ended up here?

A round object caught his attention, he squinted and saw that the round was a severed head that lay some distance from him, the eyes in the eye sockets stared blankly back at him. He screamed and panicked, he kicked the head away only to find a broken arm, a leg and a few ribs lying in a pile next to him. Panic burned in him and he made a loud cry, his voice cracked and the scream turned into a hoarse howling.

Tears burned in the corners of his eyes, he dug his fingers into his hair and tried to collect himself when pictures of his memory from the last few days suddenly gushed before his retina. The panic turned into shock, he sat mutely and floppy on the ground, tried to process what he had done and been through, but his brain was so tired and worn out. Exhausted, he sank into a ball near a dumpster, staring at his hands, they were dark red of dried blood. Nausea burned in the pit of his stomach, he vomited profusely over his knees, and then fell into a dreamless exhausted sleep. The next time he opened his eyes, he had a blanket wrapped around his body, a fan whirred quietly in the ceiling above him. He was looking towards the door, saw a couple of photos of him and a blonde haired guy standing on the table by the bed and discovered that he was at Hide's place.

"Hide...?" He said hoarsely, he doubted that Hide would hear him with his weak voice but Hide appeared in the doorway, wearing a pair of jeans and a yellow T-shirt with black stripes. His hair was tousled, his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy.

"Kaneki?" He asked anxiously, and fell down on his knees next to the bed. He grabbed hold of Kaneki's hands which now was cleaned from the blood. Hide's swollen eyes looked anxiously at Kaneki, but the black-haired boy felt only shame and nausea, he quickly looked away and stared into the white wall. _How could Hide even want me here now that I have become a monster? I should die. Be shot. Buried alive. Drowned. Die, just die. I want to die._

"Kaneki, look at me. Please," Hide's voice didn't carry and he started crying.

"I never thought that you would come back home. When I..." He took a break while the lump of sadness only grew stronger in his throat,  
"When me and Touka-chan found you, we thought you were dead. You were full of ugly wounds and scars, you had dried blood spattered all over you and your hair was white as snow! Your skin was waxy, your eye was black and red, like a ghoul! You didn't look like yourself and I really thought that you were dead until I discovered that you were still breathing," he paused again, while the grip around Kaneki's hands just became harder.

"Touka-chan has explained everything to me. Why you didn't answer me when I wrote and called you. Why you were not at home. Why you were gone now and then. Why you looked like you did when we found you. You are a ghoul-" The word made chills spread over Kaneki's arms.

"And I accept it. Actually, I have known since I started researching more about ghouls a while ago. I read that you are only able to drink coffee that is brewed in a special way, all the other food that is intended for humans, your bellies can't process it and instead of keeping it like a human would, you throw up like dogs. And that's why you didn't thank me about the food I gave you... But doesn't really matter now Kaneki. I know what you are and you're still my best friend no matter what you are and what you have done."

Kaneki stared at Hide for a few minutes, let the words that had just been uttered to sink in a little while he tried to process them with his exhausted brain.

"Hide... I don't know what to say... Thank you so much," Kaneki whispered hoarsely and looked gratefully with tears in his eyes at his friend. He had never thought that Hide would take this whole thing as well as he actually did. He had thought Hide would leave him, just as he had done in the vision that he had during Jason's torture. Hide gently put his arms around Kaneki's shoulders and put his forehead against Kaneki's, looked into Kaneki's black eyes while Kaneki looked back into Hide's brown and saw something flickering there before he felt Hide's soft lips against his dry.

Kaneki gasped for breath through his nostrils, the smell of Hide's skin and the sound of blood pulsing underneath it mixed with the kiss was too much for him. He felt the ghoul growl inside him and taking over one side of him. His right eye became bigger, blackened and blood-red, the half of his mouth extended, his teeth grew and became a bit longer and more pointed. Drool began gushing out of his mouth when the ghoul thought how Hide's flesh would taste, Kaneki however, shouted and protested in his own mind. The ghoul-arm grabbed Hide's neck while the regular arm Kaneki controlled desperately tried to get hold of the ghoul arm but in his weak condition he couldn't stand against the strength the ghoul had. Hide screamed in horror and threw himself out of bed and out of reach.

"Hide! Run! I don't want to hurt you!" Kaneki screamed desperately, his black hair turned white and his fingertips blackened when the ghoul within him once again was released. The door slammed in front of him and he hissed angrily like a predator and circulated in front of the door, waiting for his prey to come back.

Hide ran frightened into the kitchen where he had the phone; he looked up Anteiku cafe's name in his telephone book and quickly typed the numbers on the display. The signals went by and Yoshimura responded, he said immediately that he and Touka-chan would come right away before Hide had time to explain what happened. The blond boy fell relieved down on the floor while he heard Kaneki's hungry roar from the bedroom a short distance away.

 _You fucking maniac who think you can just kiss him like that when he is in this condition! You should bury yourself somewhere in shame!_ He thought indignantly and buried his face in his hands. He was incredibly embarrassed with himself, how could he be so stupid and think that Kaneki would kiss him back just like that?! The chime of the doorbell woke him from his self-destructive thoughts; he stood up and opened the door. Touka-chan and Yoshimura stood in the doorway. Yoshimura gave Hide a brief hand wave before he rushed towards the room where Kaneki roared hungrily. Touka-chan gave Hide a quick hug and a peck on his cheek.

"You have been so brave Hide. You have been the best of us all, because you are the most important thing in Kaneki's life and he needs you so much now," she whispered thankfully before she hurried after Yoshimura.

The hours passed by, Hide sat restlessly on the couch and rolled his thumbs. He wondered what they were doing and if Kaneki was alright, if they had managed to oppress the ghoul within him... The clock beat four in the morning before Yoshimura and Touka-chan, tired but happy, came out of the bedroom. Tiredness ached Hide's soul, but seeing them come out of the room with somewhat positive faces made him smile. Yoshimura sat down on the couch next to Hide and wiped his forehead with a napkin before he started speaking.

"The situation is under control. We were forced to…" He cleared his throat and wondered if he would really tell what they had done to Hide. It was after all a ghoul it was about but he decided that it was the right thing to do, if Kaneki was going to stay here, Hide had to know a thing or two no matter how disgusting they were. "We had to force-feed him so he would calm down but he was so aggressive, we had to bind him to a chair first before Touka managed to feed him properly," The older man sighed and shook his head.  
"The torture must have affected him incredibly mentally; he is not the Kaneki we once knew. He has completely changed. We'll just have to see if he becomes like Jason or not. If he will create a second personality or not. In a way, it has already started, but I still hope that he will find back to himself in one way or another."

Hide just nodded, too tired to respond. The words spun around in his head, all he wanted was Kaneki being okay and himself again. He didn't recognize the white-haired Kaneki with black, lifeless eyes, roaring crazily for food.

"It would be best if Kaneki could stay here with you for a few days. We will have someone who keeps an eye on you but most of all we want him to be alone and together with you and we'll see how things are going to turn out. We will bring him to Anteiku if he gets crazy again, but for now, we prefer that he is here with you. Obviously, you need to think this whole idea is okay Hide, if you feel scared and don't want him here, then we'll accept it." Yoshimura gazed at Hide with calm eyes and a smile played over the older man's lips.

Hide nodded firmly, he had already decided a couple of days ago when he found Kaneki that he absolutely would stay at his house, no matter how aggressive he became. Kaneki was his friend, even his secret lover and he wanted to protect him and take care of him with all of his heart, even if it meant he risked his life.

"I have already made up my mind; he will stay here as long as he needs. And I will call you again if something would happen. That was what we agreed on when we found him in the alley," Hide replied determined.

Yoshimura nodded approvingly and patted Hide on the shoulder,

"We are so incredibly grateful for your help and we are always close by if needed. Uta and some of his friends will be guard the area around here from CCG in case they would know that Kaneki is here. Thank you so much Hideyoshi!" Yoshimura got up from the couch and with Touka-chan; they went out in the early morning. Hide bedded the sofa with a sheet and a blanket; he didn't dare to go into Kaneki and wake him up in case he slept. He fell asleep as soon as he laid his head on the pillow with a thought that Kaneki might feel better tomorrow.

Kaneki opened his eyes, the morning light streamed through the gaps in the blinds and some birds chirped happily outside the window. The happy mood outside did not match his heavy, black inside. He felt dirty, even disgusting. He felt sick of himself and all that he had been through the recent days. How could he smash the glass of that car and eat away the entire neck of the driver, the father of two small children, which he also had devoured like the monster he really was?

The nausea rolled around in his stomach, he rose shakily from the bed and ran out of the bedroom to the toilet. The vomiting came in cascades, towards the end it felt like he was about to puke up his stomach but the nausea disappeared when black spots danced in front of his eyes. He sank down on to the cold floor and pressed his cheek against it, felt the cold with his hand and let out a shaky sigh. Hide came in with his breath in his throat; he sank squatted down next to Kaneki and put his hand on his friend's clammy back.

"Kaneki, how are you feeling? Is there something I can do for you?" He asked tentatively and stroked Kaneki's back gently. Kaneki turned to look at Hide's face and looked at him with empty eyes,

"There's nothing you can do, I'm lost. Gone. Vanished. I'm not here; it is _he_ who is in control now. Not me," he muttered hoarsely, he pressed his cheek against the floor again and looked as empty in front of him as before. Hide bit his lip hard, continued to stroke Kaneki's back while he thought about something to say.

"You are still here Kaneki, right? Look," Hide gently pulled Kaneki up to his knees and closed his hands around Kaneki's wrists and laid Kaneki's hands around his head.

"Do you this? It's _your_ head, _your_ hair. Not the ghouls'. Yours. You," Hide said seriously while he moved Kaneki's hands around his body.  
"Here are your cheeks, they are a little cold now, but soon they will become warm again and they are your cheeks. Not the ghouls', your cheeks. Just yours Kaneki, you understand?" Hide murmured slowly while he looked softly into Kaneki's eyes. He thought the blackness eased a bit in Kaneki's eyes while he spoke.

"Here then," murmured Hide and gently pressed Kaneki's hand against his chest.  
"It's your heart, your heart beats. Not the ghoul's, they are yours alone. It's your heart beating and it belongs only to you," he said softly. A few tears appeared in Kaneki's eyes; the blackness in his eyes had eased a bit more. Suddenly, Kaneki embraced Hide and pulled him next to his trembling, fragile body.

"Hide..." Kaneki whispered between sobs, he clutched Hide's collar and cried despairingly by Hide's chest. Hide could just hug him and hope that he would feel okay soon. When Kaneki calmed down, he took a long shower, the feeling of dirtiness disappeared a bit and the weight across his shoulders felt lighter but the fear of the ghoul was present all the time. He dressed in a pair of clothes that Hide had lay out on a chair for him, a yellow thick sweater and dark blue jeans. He didn't feel at home inside them but he had no other choice. He walked past the mirror without daring to look at himself and continued the way into the kitchen. Hide was cooking bacon and eggs as late a lunch while he made coffee for Kaneki.

Kaneki sat down on one of the chairs at the kitchen table and watched as Hide cooked for them both. In this moment he wished that he could eat normal food, it looked so incredibly tasty and he wanted to feel the salty taste of bacon again. But the ghoul stopped him from it and there was no turning back, he would never be able to eat bacon and eggs again no matter how much he wanted it.

Hide was finished with the food; he lay out a plate and cutlery for himself and a big cup of coffee to Kaneki. He sat down opposite Kaneki and ate happily while he talked about things in school that Kaneki had missed; he had after all not been to school in a few months. It was also yet another thing Kaneki missed, his long dream of becoming a writer could he just throw away. Nothing was the same, his past life was gone, and it would never come back.

The feeling of hopelessness took over him; he stared into the cup without drinking a drop of. A dark brown Kaneki reflected in the liquid and looked back at him. He pushed the cup aside and stared down at the table instead, the cloth Hide had laid across the table had small pink and green humming birds that flapped their wings next to a pair of large pink flowers. Kaneki touched one of them with his finger and jerked when he saw that the fingertip was not black anymore. A wave of relief washed over him and he leaned back in the chair, a bit relaxed. He didn't remember any of the events from the night before. The only thing he remembered was the morning sun that had stabbed him in the eyes and the birds chirping.

"You don't want the coffee? Did it taste funny?" Hide wondered as he sat with a stomach full of bacon and eggs. It had been stupid of him to eat food along with Kaneki, how could he be so stupid and do something like that?! He swore angrily inside his mind while he waited patiently for a reply from his friend.

"Well... I just came to think of one thing that happened the other day," Kaneki replied hoarsely and looked with shy eyes Hide.

Hide felt his cheeks heating up and swallowed hard. Did Kaneki remember the awkward kiss? Or was it something else that was spinning in his head right now?

"When I, or I mean, the ghoul killed a family in a car... My fingertips were black... Same thing happened when I fought Jason," Kaneki murmured almost inaudibly. Hide felt the tension in his shoulders disappear when Kaneki uttered the words. He didn't remember the kiss. Or at least he didn't mention it. Good.

"Do you know why they are black?" Hide asked tentatively.

Kaneki shook his head in response, he entwined three fingers around the cup's ear and brought it to his mouth, drank a few sips before he put the cup back on the table.

"The coffee was delicious, thank you so much Hide," said Kaneki gratefully and smiled a fake smile. Hide smiled back, the smile almost blinded Kaneki with its joy and strength. How could Hide still smile like when he knew what Kaneki had done? How could he bring himself to still want him here, in his home? How could Hide even look at him again when he knew Kaneki had killed people? Kaneki couldn't understand it, it was beyond his comprehension.

"What are you thinking?" Hide asked softly, he saw that Kaneki had a wrinkle between the eyebrows; it always appeared whenever Kaneki was thinking about something. Kaneki raised his gaze and looked at the Hide with inscrutable eyes.

"I just don't understand how you can still want me here with everything I've done... I've killed people, Hide", the last words came out in a faint whisper. The shame was clearly visible over Kaneki's face, it was ingrained in him. Hide leaned across the table, took hold of Kaneki's hands and caressed his knuckles softly as he looked calmly into Kaneki's eyes.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again; you are my best friend and will always be there for you no matter what you do or what you have done. I don't care what the ghoul inside you has done, for it isn't you. You are Kaneki Ken and you are my best friend, I don't know about anything else. "

Kaneki bit his lip hard, stared blankly at the Hide; the silence between them became thick. How could Hide have such a huge acceptance for this? How could he ignore the ghoul that simple? Was their friendship so deeply rooted that they could ignore each other's shortcomings and missteps?

"I just don't understand... How can you have such wide acceptance? How you can take it so lightly? I've killed four people, I am a murderer Hide! How can you ignore that?!" The sudden anger surprised him, he hadn't meant to get angry, but he was so confused and lost, it felt like he didn't know anything about anything anymore. Hide's grip around Kaneki's hands became harder; he looked intently in Kaneki's eyes before he started speaking.

"Because I-" he dropped the words for a second. "Because I love you Ken. I love you so much and I want to do everything to make you feel good again, even if it is only temporary. I hate to see you like this confused and lost, for me you have always been my guide. You are my North Star Kaneki, my ray of hope that I have followed throughout my life. For me you are the strongest person I know, you've always been so strong and standing for your opinions, always stood up for yourself and your choices when no one else could do the same. I wouldn't have survived all that you have gone through, but of course you will survive, you will do it, for you are the star that shines the brightest in the sky when everyone else has gone out." Hide's cheeks became red from the blush that spread across his cheeks; he released one of Kaneki's hands to scratch his nose, he always did that when he was nervous.

Kaneki could hardly believe what he heard, did Hide love him? Was he Hide's North Star? How could this be possible? How long had Hide hid these feelings and words? What did he feel for Hide? Was he still capable of feeling something for another human being?

"You don't need to say anything Kaneki, or respond to my feelings. I expect nothing, I just wanted to get that said, I wanted you to understand how much you mean to me and why I'm doing this for you," Hide said and smiled gently against Kaneki as he continued to stroke Kaneki's knuckles with his fingertips. They were so soft despite the scars that lay like a thick layer over the skin. He hoped that Kaneki had given Jason a violent and horrible death in return to what Jason had done to him.

"Hide... I don't know what to say... I'm so confused right now and-" Hide interrupted him with his index finger pressed against Kaneki's lips.

"Like I said, you don't need to say anything or answer my feelings. It is what it is and you choose how you want to do from now on. If you never want to see me again, let it be so, if you feel you want to be my friend, let it be so. Don't feel any pressure, I'm here for you and will always be regardless of what you choose to do."

Kaneki nodded slowly, he gathered himself for a few minutes before he drank the last drops of the coffee and rose from the table. He had to rest for a moment to take in all that had happened the last few days and hours. Hide sat at the table in an hour and thought back to what he said, he felt very happy about his choice of words, even if some things had been a bit silly. Oh well, he still felt satisfied and saw no reason in putting himself down. Now it was said and done and it could not be taken back. He stepped into his music studio and wrote some notes before he watched TV the rest of the day and evening. Kaneki was nowhere to be seen during the day and Hide didn't want to disturb him, he would come out again when he was ready.

 _You are the star that shines the brightest in the sky when everyone else has gone out_. The words made a curious warmth spread through Kaneki's body, he had only felt it once before, or thought he had, when he went on a date with Rize-san. He laughed at the thought of her.

 _What a fucking bitch_ , he thought angrily and hit the bed angrily.  
 _Fucking cunt, if she was still alive, I would kill her_ , he thought, staring at a black dot in the ceiling. If things have been different, if he wasn't an unstable ghoul, if Hide wasn't a vulnerable human...  
Then maybe they could've been a couple, although Kaneki had never really felt that he "swing that way". But the thought of being together with Hide was a whole different world compared to the one he lived in now and the world he could possibly have lived in was long gone. The world was crushed to the ground, he could never be just a human being again no matter how much he wanted it.

There was no turning back, he was a ghoul now and nothing could change that fact. Kaneki gave the bed another angry hit with his fist and growled angrily, why had he fallen for that pink haired bitch?! It was too good to be true, how could he not have read between the lines and figured out that she was a ghoul?! Hell! Anger flared up him and swallowed him whole, his hair was white and hung in front of his eyes, his fingertips turned black and an icy calm settled over him. He sat straight up in the bed and stared at the door.

**I need to go out and kill. I need to feel the taste of meat. I** _**need to f** _ **eel the blood trickle down my throat.**

He walked with robot like steps toward the door, pushed the handle down and walked towards the front door. His kagune broke out on the end of his back like five dark red tails. A few more steps and he would be at the door, and soon he would feel the wonderful taste of blood in his mouth. Adrenaline was pumping in his body now and when he was feeding, the pure bliss would be settled inside him again. He smiled wide and laughed out loud when the handle to the freedom was pressed down.

A pair of arms around his hips stopped him suddenly; the ghoul turned to look back, in the corner of his eyes, a blonde human male was holding him with his eyes firmly closed. The ghoul turned quickly around, rolled his kagune harshly around the human's stomach and pressed him up against the ceiling. His prey was already here in his lair, how lucky he could be! The human began to cough by the sudden pressure around his body, his lips began to turn blue by the loss of air, but his eyes were still strong, looking at the ghoul.

"Kaneki…" the human coughed wheezily, "Kaneki, drop me. It's me, Hide!" The human tried desperately but the ghoul didn't recognize him, all he saw was in the man was food. Drool began to flow down his chin and he licked it off and lifted the man down from the roof, sat astride him and licked along the carotid artery on the human's neck. The rapid pulsing was driving the ghoul to madness, he began to nibble gently on the neck, drops of blood flowed out from the small holes the ghoul formed over the human's neck.

Hide tried to twist away from Kaneki's heavy body but he had injured his back against the roof and couldn't get loose, the pain in his back was too much to be able to struggle. The ghoul lapped the blood like a hungry kitten before he gently began to tear up small scratch wounds on Hide's arms. Hide screamed in pain as the sharp nails pierced through the skin, small drips of tears forced their way out of his eyes. He was completely helpless, what the hell would he do to survive this? The ghoul was just going to tear his arm away when he suddenly realized what he'd do. He managed to take a firm grip around Kaneki's cheeks and stared into his eyes, making the ghoul loose attention for a second.

"Kaneki", his voice was only a hoarse whisper. "Listen, it's me Hide. Your friend! I'm here for you, I'm here for you! You are not alone! Please remember who you are!" The pain in his back became too much, he let the ghoul push him down to the floor.

_Kaneki sat on the chair Jason had tied him around, Rize walked in a circle around him and laughed at him, her laughter echoed off the walls of the hollow, white room. A ghoul with white hair and black clothing sat opposite him with its red eyes locked on him. They were mirror images of each other but still different, Kaneki was human and the ghoul was a monster. Both shared Kaneki's body and both wanted control him, but only one was able to control him completely. Kaneki stared at his reflection._

_"I hate you," he said angrily at the mirror image. The ghoul mouthed the words but it had no voice of its own._

_"I hate you! Hate hate hate you! I HATE YOU!" Kaneki roared furiously, Rize's laughter suddenly faded away, as the ghoul in front of him. The room continued to be white but on the chair in front of him where the ghoul was sitting just a few seconds a go, Hide was sitting, looking at him. Hide's bright hair almost shone in contrast to the white, his dark brown eyes were shining and clean, he looked like an angel. The angel Gabriel Kaneki had read about in the Japanese version of the Bible once. Had the angel come to take him away? Save him from this hell that was his life? Hide stretched out his hand against Kaneki and smiled gently, his eyes were calm and steady. Kaneki looked at the outstretched hand before him, was this really Hide who was here or was he another trick made by Jason? He held his hand against his chest, dared not reach out, he was just happy that Hide, someone he knew, kept him company here in the white, empty room. Hide leaned over the white floor and reached out his hand further. Kaneki decided that his friend wasn't a trick made by Jason and moved his hand from his chest, reached forward and took a shaky hold of Hide's hand. Hide smiled happily at him, in the same moment the room and he was back in his body._

Hide watched Kaneki's eyes returning to their normal size and color, the confusion was evident in Kaneki's eyes when he discovered he was sitting astride Hide with dried blood around his mouth.

"What?" he started nervously, but stopped when he saw the small red marks on Hide's neck. He had attacked Hide, even damaged him! The cry that went out of his throat couldn't be stopped; it was a heartbreaking cry in despair that made him hoarser than he had been before. Hide hushed him with a gentle caress on his cheek; Kaneki collapsed weeping over Hide's chest and clung onto him like a crying infant. Hide calmly stroke his hands over Kaneki's back until his body stopped shaking.

"Forgive me Hide, I'm sorry I didn't mean to do this," whispered Kaneki ashamed and contrite. Hide hushed him again and shook his head,  
"It doesn't matter, just forget it. The only thing you need to remember is that I'm here and you're not alone. You don't have to remember or think of something else."

Kaneki rose gently from Hide's body and looked at his friend with sad eyes. Hide tried to get up from the floor, but his back hurt too much, had he been injured? Was his back broken? No, he could still move his arms and legs without problem; he had just got a harsh hit, that was all. His neck felt okay, it was only a few minor injuries and he didn't feel worried about it. What he had been most worried about was if Kaneki would've heard him or not when he was taken over by the ghoul.

Luckily, Kaneki had heard him and that was the only thing that mattered now. He decided that he wouldn't call Anteiku and tell this, it had stopped faster than it started and Hide didn't want to risk that they would take Kaneki away from him. He gritted his teeth as he struggled to come up from the floor, he met Kaneki's gaze as he stood up. They looked at each other for a while, human and half-ghoul. Kaneki put his arms around Hide's neck and hugged him tightly, whispered a "thank you" and gave Hide's mouth a feather light kiss. He just wanted to forget all the hurt for a while and this was the only thing his tired brain and mind could come up with; love and kindness could heal all wounds, his mother had told him just before she died and he had gone by the words as long as he could remember. Hide intertwined his fingers in Kaneki's black hair and kissed him softly, his belly tickled when their tongues met.

He noticed that Kaneki had never kissed anyone before, but it didn't do anything, he would teach him how to kiss. He caressed Kaneki's tongue tip with his own a while before he sucked Kaneki's tongue into his mouth. Kaneki gave a light moan as his tongue was totally caught in Hide's warm mouth. Hide groaned in response and pressed himself closer to Kaneki's body which finally had begun to get warm; it had been ice cold since he had arrived at Hide's house. The pain in his back was blown away just like that. Kaneki moved his hands slowly from the top of Hide's back to the end of it, he felt every inch of the warm skin under the shirt. He loved the warmth that came from Hide, it warmed him up inside and made the hard knot of pain in his chest ease a little.

Hide shuddered when Kaneki touched his back; he stroke Kaneki's hair softly while he thought about how long he had longed for this moment. Feeling Kaneki so close to him, feeling his scent and the taste of his mouth… Kaneki's hands crept under Hide's T-shirt, the wonderful feeling of warm skin against his cold fingers was wonderful, he stroked his hands quickly over his back, drew a long line with his finger along the spine. He felt goose bumps spread over Hide's back and just wanted more of the pleasant heat.

He broke the kiss and looked with new eyes at Hide; his friend, his best friend who stood before him, was in this moment, the most beautiful person Kaneki had ever seen. Hide was all he needed to get through this, he needed nothing 's smile, Hide's laughter, Hide's beautiful words he hadn't known Hide could say... That was what he needed. Hide took a firm grip with his arm around Kaneki's hip and together they went to the bedroom. Hide drew his shirt over his head and showed his skinny torso to Kaneki before he sat down on the bed and patted the empty place beside him. Kaneki sat down beside Hide with eyes on his naked torso. He felt his whole body quivering in longing to feel the heat from Hide's body; he pulled down the zipper of his hoodie and bared his scarred, thin chest for Hide. He was ashamed of his ugly body, hoping that Hide wouldn't think it was too ugly to touch.

"Kaneki don't look so ashamed. I've always thought that you're beautiful, and it doesn't matter what you look like now with scars and all. You're still beautiful to me," murmured Hide as if he had heard Kaneki's thoughts, he moved a lock of hair behind Kaneki's ear and kissed him lightly on the mouth. Kaneki replied immediately kiss and pressed his thin chest against Hide's chest, he needed closeness more than ever right now. He felt desperate but thought that Hide probably didn't care about his desperation, instead he was just glad Kaneki showed some sort of human side again. Hide opened his mouth for Kaneki's tongue and they kissed for several minutes while they stroked each other's naked backs.

They lay down on the bed with the kiss still locked between them and their bodies close together. After a few minutes of kissing Hide buttoned up his pants and threw them down on the floor, now he was only wearing underpants. Kaneki blushed slightly to see Hide wearing only underwear and felt very dressed compared to him, he undid his pants and threw them away, they fell on the floor with a light thud. Hide was suddenly on top of Kaneki and painted his neck with soft kissed while he stroked Kaneki's nipples with careful fingers. Kaneki writhed and moaned under Hide, he had never felt anything like this before. When Hide's fingers were replaced by his mouth, Kaneki moaned loudly, he couldn't control himself. The warmth from Hide felt incredible the tongue rolling over his nipples made him hard, he could barely remember the last time he had stroked himself. It felt like a decade ago.

Hide licked and sucked Kaneki's nipples, his hand moved down to Kaneki's hard member obscured by the briefs. He pulled the briefs down, threw them on the floor and took a soft grip around Kaneki's member. He drew the skin up and down, increased the pace bit by bit. Kaneki gasped for breath, the desire that burned within him was so strong he almost couldn't bear it; he had never experienced anything like this before. Hide groaned when he felt Kaneki coming in his hand, it became wet from the semen that came out of Kaneki. He kissed him yearningly and caressed his cheeks; Kaneki finally looked a bit like himself before the kidnapping. His cheeks were slightly flushed, his eyes were vibrant and his mouth wore a small smile.

"Thank you," Kaneki murmured a little embarrassed, "I needed that I think…"

Hide gave him a big smile, "I know you did" he whispered, and kissed Kaneki's nose tip. Kaneki gave out a muffled laughter, everything felt wonderful right now. Somehow, things would be good again in one way or another, he could feel it. For the first time what felt like forever, Kaneki finally could relax, Hide was laying behind him with one arm over Kaneki, breathing heavily. It had only taken a few minutes before he had fell asleep, Kaneki thought he must have been exhausted after all that had happened. Kaneki intertwined his fingers between Hide's fingers and decided to sleep, he closed his eyes and sleep embraced him in her soft arms.

Three days had passed since Hide been attacked by Kaneki. During the time that had elapsed Kaneki's mental health had improved greatly, piece by piece; he had become happier and more alert with Hide by his side. Hide was so happy to see how Kaneki's mental health had improved.

Right now they sat out on Hide's balcony and looked out over Tokyo's vibrant soul. Hide ate a cup of vanilla ice cream while Kaneki drank his second cup of coffee. They held hands as they talked, Kaneki's cheeks became light red when he felt Hide's gaze resting on him. A warm hand stroked Kaneki's cheek; he closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth that spread within him. Hide's chair scraped against the balcony's hard surface, the coffee cup rattled when Hide sat on the table with his legs hanging on each side of Kaneki's legs. Hide placed his hands under Kaneki's chin, lifted his head and kissed him lovingly. Kaneki kissed back, enjoyed every second of their tongues dancing together. The hunger suddenly gnawed at Kaneki's belly, he quickly broke the kiss and panted hard.

"What is it Kaneki? Are you hurt?" Hide wondered uneasily and stroked away a lock of hair that was stuck in Kaneki's left eye. Kaneki hurriedly shook his head,

"Hungry," he managed to say, the feeling of intense hunger bit him again, it felt like he hadn't eaten in ten years. He let out another huff as to suppress the craving from the.  
"Must have food. Meat at home?" His language had begun to become primitive, it meant that the ghoul was about to take over him. Panic grabbed him, he got up quickly, the chair fell over and he stumbled backwards over it.

"Calm down Kaneki, calm down. I'll look in the freezer if there is food, you want to follow with me or stay here?" said Hide quickly, helped Kaneki up from the ground and wrapped his hand around Kaneki's wrist to calm him. He felt his pulse fluttering like a frightened bird under the skin.

"Inside," said Kaneki, he really tried to push the ghoul's desire away but after Jason's torture, the ghoul h ad been his only salvation, and when he gave in to it, he had given it permission to take over him completely, which had made his own will weaker. Hide kept a firm grip on Kaneki, led him in through the balcony door and into the kitchen. He helped Kaneki to sit down on a chair while he was looking through the freezer for food that he assumed that Yoshimura had left. There was none. Worry churned in him but he couldn't show he was worried in front of Kaneki, if he did, everything would be lost.

"There's no meat here but if you want I can call Yoshimura and Touka-chan and ask them to come here with some food for you?" He suggested with a calm voice.

"Not time. Ghoul too strong. Need food now. Don't want to hurt you! Flee! FLEE!" the last word came out in a primitive roar, his black hair turned white and left standing was just a shell of Kaneki. Hide threw himself to the floor with his cell phone, calling Anteiku with trembling fingers. He heard Kaneki sniff the air like an animal, and tried to make himself as small as he could behind the counter while the signals went forward. The door slammed suddenly, when Yoshimura replied on the other side of the telephone line, Hide screamed high-pitched "no" and stood up panicked from the floor. Anything could happen to Kaneki now when he was outside, what if the CCG was out snooping? What if Uta and his friends hadn't discovered that Kaneki had fled? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Hideyoshi? What's going on?" Yoshimura wondered worriedly on the other side of the line. Hide explained what happened quickly while he was tying his shoes and putting on a jacket.

"You can't go out and look for him, you hear me Hideyoshi?! Stay at home! We will find him," but Hide had already thrown away the phone and was on the road when Yoshimura spoke.

The smells and the bodily sounds of people overwhelmed him as he crept silently around in the crowds in the heart of Tokyo. He was hungry, _so hungry_ and he needed to eat something soon. Saliva flowed down his chin as he thought of how the blood would taste in the mouth when he took his first bite. A middle-aged woman walked with quick steps out from the crowds and to a smaller street, Kaneki had taken aim at her and noiselessly followed after her. He knew exactly what a hunt should look like; kill the old and feeble at first, then the young and inexperienced.

The woman went into a grocery store, and was gone for what seemed an eternity before she came out again and continued along the small street. The darkness began to descend on Tokyo's streets, street lamps were lit when the woman turned into a small, dark dead end. She didn't discover that she had gone wrong until she stopped talking on the phone.

"Oops, how crazy," she said, embarrassed, put down the phone in her pocket and was about to turn around to go back to the street when she was suddenly attacked by a white-haired ghoul. Kaneki tore off her jacket with sharp nails, biting hard into the soft throat. Blood spurted into his hungry mouth; he drank greedily as he pulled out strips of skin from the woman's chest and swallowed them as if they were some kind of snacks. He would just start eating on her thigh when he was thrown into a dumpster by another growling, hungry ghoul. This ghoul had dark brown hair and a lanky figure; he smiled crazy at Kaneki and wiped away Kaneki's blood from his lip.

"Yo, nice to meet you but you have entered the wrong area dude. This place belongs to me, you know? Any food that comes in here is mine!" He grinned. Kaneki growled angrily and was attempting to attack the other ghoul when he was suddenly thrust into the dumpster's hard metal again.

"Think I'll take a taste of you first kid, you look rather tasty," said the other ghoul greedily and broke off Kaneki's thumb and ate it in a flash. He barely felt the pain, Kaneki stared into the other's eyes and the ghoul grinned when he felt his thumb growing back.

"You think you can measure with me?" laughed Kaneki and threw himself over the other ghoul and wrestled him to the ground. The ghoul looked horrified at Kaneki and uttered a loud cry which made Kaneki laugh.

"Not so strong now, huh?" Laughed Kaneki crazily when he ripped limb by limb on the other ghoul. The ghoul roared loudly in pain and anger but smiled a shrewd smile when three other ghouls suddenly appeared on the roof above them. Two of them were tall, while the third was very short in comparison, the little one jumped down first and tore the first ghoul away from Kaneki's fierce grip before she jumped on Kaneki's shoulders and took a stranglehold with her legs around his neck.

Her strength was larger than Jason's, Kaneki coughed and laughed when the air was choked out of him. The two tall ghouls helped the first ghoul to regenerate himself whereas the small one continued to strangle Kaneki. Black spots danced before Kaneki's eyes as he tried to break free but the girl was so strong, he couldn't tear himself away from her tight grip.

"Kaneki!" Hide roared where he came running into the alley. The ghouls looked in surprise at the man who came running to the white-haired ghoul. The little one's grasp of Kaneki's neck loosened slightly when her attention was caught by Hide. Kaneki took his chance and tore himself from her grip but one of the other ghouls were faster than him and managed to wrestle him down to the ground.

"Kaneki!" repeated Hide frightened where he was standing a distance away from the others and watched helplessly as the ghouls started beating Kaneki. Hide thought about a number of things he could do and decided on one of them, he took up a sharp stone from the ground, cut himself deeply in the wrist, it stung but he ignored the pain. Tons of fresh blood bubbled out from the wound; he rushed into the fight with the arm over his head and yelled.

The four ghouls cried loudly when they felt the smell of fresh human blood and pounced on Hide and started pulling and dragging him. Hide roared when they cut his arm and pushed their dirty fingers into the wound on his arm. Tears streamed down his cheeks, but he thought it was worth it, he had rescued Kaneki from dying. Kaneki sunk down on the ground, leaning against a brick wall, gasping for breath. His hair shifted in white and black, the other Kaneki who loved Hide and wanted to protect him at any cost, managed to break through the ghoul's wicked desires.

"Hide!" he cried vehemently, and hastened towards the massacre that was going on a few feet away from him. He succeeded with all his strength to push the ghouls away, Nishiki and Uta came from nowhere and helped him kill the ghouls, however, the little ghoul managed to escape with her life.

"We tried to get here as fast as we could, but we lost track after the grocery store. I'm so sorry!" Uta excused himself guiltily but Kaneki had no time to listen to his words. He sank down on his knees next to Hide's bloody body, the only thing that still remained on Hide's body was an arm and his head, the rest were wrenched and eaten.

"K-kan... Eki" murmured Hide almost inaudibly, the gaze who met Kaneki's eyes was misty, a smile appeared on Hide's lips when he discovered that Kaneki was himself again.

"Hide! Hide!" cried Kaneki broken and held Hide's ice-cold hand in his warm one. They had switched roles, now Hide was the damaged one and he was the whole.

"Why? Why?" Kaneki screamed while tears streamed down his cheeks.

"Protect you," murmured Hide indistinctly, his eyes were closed, life was trickling out of him. It was by sheer willpower he was still alive.

"I can't live without you, don't leave me Hide!" Kaneki pleaded anxiously, every fiber in his body screamed upsettingly that Hide was dying. He could not let that happen, Hide must continue to live or else he would not survive. There was not a life without his star that led him from the darkness.

"If we hurry, we can save his life by one of the dead ghouls' organs. That is, if you want it," said Touka-chan, she suddenly came walking along with Yoshimura in the alleyway. Kaneki didn't know what he would do; he hated his life as it was now with the ghouls' constant desire within him, his sudden transformations and his unstable condition. Did he really want to give that to Hide? Did he really want Hide living through the same hell as him? Actually, no, not at all, not in a millions years. It was hell being a ghoul, a pure fucking hell, but hell maybe was better than death? They could share hell together. He and Hide, together they could bear the pain. They had been able to bear pain together before, then maybe they could put up with one more hell. If Hide survived the transplant and couldn't bear with living as ghoul, Kaneki would kill them both. Either they would live together as ghouls or not live at all. He dried his tears with his sleeve and looked up at Touka-chan, Uta and Nishiki. "Just do it! Transplant the organs! Hurry up, I'll take the consequences!"

_A thousand of memories went back and forth in front of his eyes; they never ended but continued to play over and over in front of his retina. The day he met Kaneki for the first time, the day they got to know they were in the same class, the day they ate pizza for the first time, the day Kaneki ended up in hospital, the day Hide bought food to Kaneki, the day at the library, the day Kaneki was kidnapped, the day in the alley, the day they kissed each other for the first time, the day they lay in Hide's bed, the day Kaneki disappeared out of the door. The last memory left a nasty taste in his mouth and Hide chided himself for not asking Yoshimura leave food to Kaneki.  
How could I be such a freaking idiot? Damn, he thought sadly. Now it was too late to change anything, he was dead and wouldn't meet Kaneki again. Kaneki had to live a life without him because of his stupidity. He hoped that he would go to hell and burn to death by hell's fire._

In the hospital room's dark gloom Hideyoshi Nagachika opened his eyes, the irises had changed from dark brown to blood red and the color shone hungrily in the dark. He turned his gaze toward the black-haired figure who sat next to the bed, the figure smelled as him... Ghoul? Was it a ghoul he was? The gaze that met his blood red was black and shone with indescribable joy. A sudden warmth embraced his hand; he looked at his hand and saw that his hand was interwoven with another very warm hand. The figure sat on the edge of the bed and Hide saw a familiar face he couldn't put a name on, be seen in the small light from the window.

"Hide ..." whispered Kaneki happily, "You're back with me," a warm kiss was placed on his lips and suddenly Hide knew who he was and who it was next to him.

"Kaneki, you're alive, you're here with me," he whispered relieved and answered the kiss. Kaneki kissed him yearningly before he broke this kiss.

"I had to make you a ghoul, otherwise you would've died and I know it's selfish but I can't live without you Hide. I can't, I need you to keep being sane. I need you to be able to breathe", Kaneki whispered, his voice sounding desperate. Hide stared at him for a moment, loss at words.

"I am a ghoul? H-how?" he was afraid, he didn't want to eat human meat, he didn't want to become a murderer. Kaneki saw Hide's fear; he leaned close to Hide's face and kissed his cheeks softly.

"Touka, Uta and Nishiki took another ghoul's organs and transplanted them into you. You were saved in the same way as I was. I'm sorry it had to come to this Hide but I just couldn't let you die", Kaneki murmured, the guilt swirling around in him, making him nauseous. Hide pulled Kaneki close to him again and kissed him harshly.

"It doesn't matter, what matters is that you are still alive and that I managed to save you", Hide whispered after the kiss had ended. Kaneki took hold of his hands and held them tightly against his chest.

"I will help you adjust into the body of a ghoul. I promise. Everyone at Anteiku will be glad to give you their support too. Every one of us has gone through this and survived in one way or another, and I know you will be able to go through it too", Kaneki said quietly, a smile shone on his lips and Hide knew when he saw Kaneki smiling and feeling his heart beat against his fingertips; that everything would be okay. In one way or another.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the last episode of Tokyo Ghoul a couple of days ago and I just had to get my feelings out in some way, so I wrote this. I haven't read the manga and don't intend to in a while so I'm sorry if the characters are a bit out of character. I tried not to make them that way, but sometimes it's hard. I'm also my own beta reader, so if there are something wrong, then it's entirely my fault. I hope you will enjoy this story, I sure did when I wrote it and I'm anxiously waiting for the next season of Tokyo Ghoul!


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